86 Speedrun
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🎮 The Greatest Hits of the Instantly 86'd 🚫
Or: How to Speedrun Your 86 ⚡
Once upon a time, a player, let's call him "Chad" 🤦, spawned into Noisebridge on what would become a historic run. 🏃💨
Chad was attempting a 3D print 🖨️. A member of the space was unable to help him complete it the way he wanted, right then and there.
Chad's frustration meter 😤📊 started climbing. His tone changed. His body language shifted. 💢
The member noticed this 👀, and said so. Chad did not take this feedback gracefully. ❌
"I'm uncomfortable with how this interaction is going. I'm going to ask you to leave for the night."
Now, at this point, Chad had a choice. ⚡ He could accept the soft reset 🔄—take a walk 🚶, cool off, come back another day to finish his print. This is what people who remain welcome at Noisebridge do. ✅
But THIS Chad wasn't here for a casual playthrough. 🎮❌
THIS Chad was going for the global hackerspace speedrun record. 🏆⚡🔥
🏁 The Run 🏁
| 📍 Split | ⏱️ Time | 💬 What Happened | 🏆 Achievement |
|---|---|---|---|
| SPLIT 1 🤝 The Negotiator |
⏱️ 00:00:00 | "But my print," Chad protested, apparently believing his 3D print job constituted a hostage situation requiring negotiation. 🖨️💼 | ✓ Treating an ATL like an opening bid 💰 |
| SPLIT 2 📜 The Originalist |
⏱️ 00:01:47 | "I think conflicts here should be settled between individuals," Chad said, wildly misreading the room, the wiki, and the entire concept of an Ask To Leave. 🤔❌ Sir, this is being settled between individuals. The settlement is: you leave. 🚪 |
✓ Invoking rules you made up on the spot 📝🎩 |
| SPLIT 3 📊 The Org Chart |
⏱️ 00:04:32 | "Is there someone else I could talk to?" Chad asked, hoping to escalate to the President of the Anarchist Collective. 👔❓ Unfortunately, the Secretary of Hierarchy was out that evening, and the Vice Chancellor of Telling You What You Want To Hear doesn't exist. 🤷 | ✓ Looking for the manager at an anarchist hackerspace 👨💼➡️🅰️ |
| SPLIT 4 ⚖️ The Threshold Argument |
⏱️ 00:08:15 | "So you feel SO uncomfortable that you need me to LEAVE?" Chad demanded, attempting to establish a discomfort threshold he could rules-lawyer his way under. 🤓⚖️ Ah yes, the classic "but is it really that bad?" defense. Famously effective. [citation needed] 📚❌ The member confirmed: yes. ✅ Chad still did not leave. SIGTERM ignored. 🚫
|
✓ Arguing about whether feelings are valid 😤➡️❓ |
| SPLIT 5 🥷 Security Through Obscurity |
⏱️ 00:12:44 | "What's your name?" the member asked, beginning documentation. 📝 "I'm not going to tell you that," Chad replied 🙊, apparently unaware that this is Noisebridge, not a CIA black site 🕵️, and that someone definitely knows who he is. Stealth builds don't work when you've been loudly arguing in the laser cutting area for twenty minutes. 📢⏱️ |
✓ Anonymous mode in a room full of witnesses 👥👀 |
| SPLIT 6 🎓 The Credential Dump |
⏱️ 00:17:23 | Chad noted his qualifications: twenty-five years of makerspace experience. 📜🏆 He also name-dropped someone present who was not a member, not his friend, had not invited him, and had simply crossed paths with him coincidentally. 😬 "I know a guy who's here" is not the buff you think it is when the guy is like "who is this" 🤷. Also, why wouldn't we just ask your "friend" what your name is?!? 🤔💡 |
✓ Name-drop (missed) 📛❌ ★ SECRET: Attempted name-drop while refusing to give your own name?!? 🤯 |
| SPLIT 7 🔄 The Uno Reverse |
⏱️ 00:22:08 | "I'm hearing a lot of I-statements from you," Chad observed. 🧐 "You seem very self-centered." 🎯❌ Reader, the member was using I-statements because that's how you describe your own experience without making accusations. 💬✅ Chad was essentially criticizing someone for not accusing him of anything while also demanding to know exactly what he was being accused of. 🤦 Schrödinger's Asshole: simultaneously demanding and rejecting the feedback. 📦🐱 |
✓ Criticizing NVC to the person using it correctly 🗣️🎓 |
| SPLIT 8 🎤 The Filibuster |
⏱️ 00:26:41 | The member, hungry and exhausted 😫🍔, excused themselves briefly. Upon returning, they tried again. Chad continued to refuse. SIGKILL pending. ☠️Finally, the member announced the situation to others in the space. 📢👥 Another member came to assist. 🦸 Chad, undeterred, continued to state his case to anyone within earshot 🗣️📣, confident that someone would see reason (his reason) (the wrong reason). 🤡 |
✓ Arguing to the witnesses who are documenting you 📝👥 |
🏆 RUN COMPLETE 🏆
| WORLD RECORD | |
| FINAL TIME: | ~29 minutes |
| RATING: | ANY% GLITCHLESS |
| Player: | Chad |
| Run Type: | 86 Speedrun (Any%) |
| Achievements: | 8/8 (100%) |
| Final Status: | /dev/null |
| Returnable: | NO |
| Print Status: | Incomplete |
📚 Lessons Learned 💡
If Chad had simply accepted the soft reset 🔄 when first offered, there would be no run. 🏃❌ No documentation. 📝❌ No leaderboard entry. 🏆❌ He could have come back the next day and finished his print. 🖨️✅
💡 PRO TIP: The ATL is a checkpoint 🔄, not a game over ☠️—unless you refuse it, in which case you forfeit the whole save file. 💾❌
Instead, Chad is a teaching moment. 📖 A fable. 🦊 A wiki page. 📄 A world record holder. 🏆😬
⚠️🚫 DON'T BE A CHAD 🚫⚠️
🔗 See Also 📚
- Ask To Leave 🚪 — the checkpoint you should have taken
- Path to 86 🛣️ — the route Chad speedran
man leave📘man clue📕 (no manual entry for clue) ❌