86 Speedrun

The Greatest Hits of the Instantly 86'd

Or: How to Speedrun Your 86

Once upon a time, a player, let's call him "Chad", spawned into Noisebridge on what would become a historic run.

Chad was attempting a 3D print. A member of the space was unable to help him complete it the way he wanted, right then and there.

Chad's frustration meter started climbing. His tone changed. His body language shifted.

The member noticed this, and said so. Chad did not take this feedback gracefully.

"I'm uncomfortable with how this interaction is going," the member said. "I'm going to ask you to leave for the night."

Now, at this point, Chad had a choice. He could accept the soft reset—take a walk, cool off, come back another day to finish his print. This is what people who remain welcome at Noisebridge do.

But THIS Chad wasn't here for a casual playthrough.

THIS Chad was going for the global hackerspace speedrun record.

SPLIT 1 — The Negotiator ⏱️ 00:00:00

"But my print," Chad protested, apparently believing his 3D print job constituted a hostage situation requiring negotiation.

Achievement Unlocked: Treating an ATL like an opening bid

SPLIT 2 — The Originalist ⏱️ 00:01:47

"I think conflicts here should be settled between individuals," Chad said, wildly misreading the room, the wiki, and the entire concept of an Ask To Leave.

Sir, this is being settled between individuals. The settlement is: you leave.

Achievement Unlocked: Invoking rules you made up on the spot

SPLIT 3 — The Org Chart ⏱️ 00:04:32

"Is there someone else I could talk to?" Chad asked, hoping to escalate to the President of the Anarchist Collective. Unfortunately, the Secretary of Hierarchy was out that evening, and the Vice Chancellor of Telling You What You Want To Hear doesn't exist.

Achievement Unlocked: Looking for the manager at an anarchist hackerspace

SPLIT 4 — The Threshold Argument ⏱️ 00:08:15

"So you feel SO uncomfortable that you need me to LEAVE?" Chad demanded, attempting to establish a discomfort threshold he could rules-lawyer his way under. Ah yes, the classic "but is it really that bad?" defense. Famously effective. [citation needed]

The member confirmed: yes.

Chad still did not leave. SIGTERM ignored.

Achievement Unlocked: Arguing about whether feelings are valid

SPLIT 5 — Security Through Obscurity ⏱️ 00:12:44

"What's your name?" the member asked, beginning documentation.

"I'm not going to tell you that," Chad replied, apparently unaware that this is Noisebridge, not a CIA black site, and that someone definitely knows who he is. Stealth builds don't work when you've been loudly arguing in the laser cutting area for twenty minutes.

Achievement Unlocked: Anonymous mode in a room full of witnesses

SPLIT 6 — The Credential Dump ⏱️ 00:17:23

Chad noted his qualifications: twenty-five years of makerspace experience. He also name-dropped someone present who was not a member, not his friend, had not invited him, and had simply crossed paths with him coincidentally.

"I know a guy who's here" is not the buff you think it is when the guy is like "who is this". Also, why wouldn't we just ask your "friend" what your name is?!?

Achievement Unlocked: Name-drop (missed) Secret Achievement Unlocked: Attempted name-drop while refusing to give your own name?!?

SPLIT 7 — The Uno Reverse ⏱️ 00:22:08

"I'm hearing a lot of I-statements from you," Chad observed. "You seem very self-centered."

Reader, the member was using I-statements because that's how you describe your own experience without making accusations. Chad was essentially criticizing someone for not accusing him of anything while also demanding to know exactly what he was being accused of.

Schrödinger's Asshole: simultaneously demanding and rejecting the feedback.

Achievement Unlocked: Criticizing NVC to the person using it correctly

SPLIT 8 — The Filibuster ⏱️ 00:26:41

The member, hungry and exhausted, excused themselves briefly. Upon returning, they tried again. Chad continued to refuse. SIGKILL pending.

Finally, the member announced the situation to others in the space. Another member came to assist. Chad, undeterred, continued to state his case to anyone within earshot, confident that someone would see reason (his reason) (the wrong reason).

Achievement Unlocked: Arguing to the witnesses who are documenting you

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RUN COMPLETE

Final Time: ~29 minutes

Achievements: 8/8

Rating: ANY% GLITCHLESS WORLD RECORD

FINAL SCORE
───────────────────────────────
Player:         Chad
Run Type:       86 Speedrun (Any%)
Achievements:   8/8
Final Status:   /dev/null
Returnable:     NO
Print Status:   Incomplete
───────────────────────────────

If Chad had simply accepted the soft reset when first offered, there would be no run. No documentation. No leaderboard entry. He could have come back the next day and finished his print.

The ATL is a checkpoint, not a game over—unless you refuse it, in which case you forfeit the whole save file.

Instead, Chad is a teaching moment. A fable. A wiki page. A world record holder.

Don't be a Chad.

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See Also

- Ask To Leave — the checkpoint you should have taken - Path to 86 — the route Chad speedran - man leave - man clue (no manual entry for clue)