Restorative Communication

Restorative communication is a way to repair relationships that have been damaged by conflict, and prevent future conflicts from arising. By making simple changes in our language, we can experience dramatic shifts in our results.

Core Concepts

Here are the Core Concepts of Restorative Practices:

• How we feel is important. Our emotional state has enormous impact on our ability to be productive, experience enjoyment and satisfaction, and make positive connections with others.
• There are many ways that conflict shows up, but they all share an underlying structure. Conflict arises when someone does or says something that we find harmful, and we want them to stop or change their behavior.
• When we want someone to change their behavior, we usually use threats, fear, or punishment to get them to change. “If you show up late again, you’re fired.”
• Using Restorative Communication, by clearly expressing our needs and offering the space for others to do the same, we can create change through building greater connection, compassion, and collaboration. “What can I do to support you in being prepared and on time for the meeting tomorrow?”

PRACTICE L.F.O.A.

Think of a specific event that occurred recently. Describe the exact behavior you would like to see changed.

• LOOK: Describe what you saw happen.
• FEEL: What are some of the emotions you felt as a result of this happening?
  • What do you think the other person is feeling, and why?
• OFFER: Is there something you can offer to do for this person to help get their needs met in a different way?
• ASK: What specifically would you like them to do differently? Write down the S.M.A.R.T. alternate action that you would like them to take.

Examples

Here are some example sentences you can practice using to connect with someone and reach a mutual understanding that helps.

SMART Agreements

When you offer something and/or ask for something to reaceh a mutual understanding with someone, try to ensure that your offers and asks cover these criteria:

• Specific: Describe exactly the behavior you want to seee.
• Measurable: Give discreet amounts or countable things so that meeting the goal is clear.
• Actionable: Make it something you can physically do.
• Realistic: Is this a realistic expectation for this person at this time?
• Timely: Timebox your request. Set a timeframe for it to happen in.

Global Kindness Initiative

WWW.KINDUS.ORG is the GKI site with more information and training if you want to learn more and organize a session for your organization.

GKI Restorative Communication Downloads

The above text is from the Global Kindness Initiative guides. Download them for yourself here:

• Global Kindness Initiative Restorative Communication Guide PDF

Feelings

It can be hard to think of the right words to describe feelings for ourselves, let alone to guess how someone else is feeling.

The Center for Nonviolent Communication publishes a nice Feelings Inventory list:

• Downloaod CNVC Feelings Inventory PDF
• CNVC Needs Inventory PDF

Positive Feelings

Feelings when your needs are satisfied:

AFFECTIONATE compassionate friendly loving open hearted sympathetic tender warm

ENGAGED absorbed alert curious engrossed enchanted entranced fascinated interested intrigued involved spellbound stimulated

HOPEFUL expectant encouraged optimistic

CONFIDENT empowered open proud safe secure

EXCITED amazed animated ardent aroused astonished dazzled eager energetic enthusiastic giddy invigorated lively passionate surprised vibrant

GRATEFUL appreciative moved thankful touched

INSPIRED amazed awed wonder

JOYFUL amused delighted glad happy jubilant pleased tickled

EXHILARATED blissful ecstatic elated enthralled exuberant radiant rapturous thrilled

PEACEFUL calm clear headed comfortable centered content equanimous fulfilled mellow quiet relaxed relieved satisfied serene still tranquil trusting

REFRESHED enlivened rejuvenated renewed rested restored revive

Needs

Describing what you need can be harder than just describing the feeling. CNVC has a Needs Inventory] list as well.

CONNECTION acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect

CONNECTION continued safety security stability support to know and be known to see and be seen to understand and be understood trust warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water

HONESTY authenticity integrity presence

PLAY joy humor

PEACE beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order

AUTONOMY choice freedom independence space spontaneity

MEANING awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding